Can I release Alcohol forever on my path forward?
Aktualisiert: 5. Apr 2019
Hi Trippers was geeeeht,
I just got done with my little push up work out I started doing more frequently again. Sometimes I wish deeply I would do more sports or some kind of regular work out scheme. I was doing this basically all my life since I became self conscious or my ego kicked in. I think I already mentioned that I played Basketball for 19 years straight. So I was basically doing things like running or lifting weights 5-7 times a week. Since I started travelling this has changed a lot. I started smoking weed and became a lot more mental than physical in my day to day life. It was really important for me to understand deeper structures of existence since part of my being was run by deep fears that I now was able to face up and encounter them straight up to release them.
Nevertheless I am still doing lots of other physical activities like yoga, hiking, swimming in the sea and once in a while I allow myself to go long boarding or even play a little basketball here and there. But for example this year I haven't played at all and last year I think just one time. So I definitely start missing physical activity more and more. I still find myself going out a lot and being surrounded by dozens of people who drink alcohol. Now this is also a big topic for me.
I started drinking my first beers when I was 15 I think. With 17 I drank my first Malibu and harder liquor and I think it was on new years shortly before turning 18. Ever since that basically every year I still drink. But just with Basketball once last year for example, I just drank for Carnaval this year and I think last year in 2018 I drank less than once a month. I used to drink 2-4 times a week and not only a beer here and there but bottles of whisky and everything else.
After my wish in 2012 to change and endless and I really mean ENDLESS sessions of Ayahuasca and other plant medicines I saw lots of insights to my state of being and what everything I do really causes in my reality. So it helped me to integrate lots of different points of views and strengthening my desires to become a different person.
Now the "old" world still pulls on me but for example yesterday going out in a group of over 10 people and everybody sitting on the table together cheering with a cup in the air I was the only one with a empty cup. And I think you know this when you have this doubt if you should really drink tonight but all the people around you act like: "Ah come on, just one, don't be a pussy" and then also your inside voices come up: "Ah come on. Everybody is doing it. Don't be boring!". I swear it isn't easy at all to be like: "No thanks" but I am glad I found so much self worth to resist these temptations and energies. It is a huge monster from my viewpoint today and alcohol really helped me live out the beast in me. I was lying like there is no tomorrow and cheating on every opportunity that was given to me. I realized later that sober I could never ever do these things and that alcohol really makes me numb and truly can be toxic in all senses (body and spirit).
Now looking back I somehow still miss these times but I just don't know how to ever go back there. It just feels so wrong and kind of like learning to ride a bike and pretending I don't know how to ride a bike anymore. Riding the bike in a sense of now knowing how to ride a different type of reality and pretending like I don't know this reality exists. It is somehow just impossible to return to these states of being after all I have been through.
The big challenge now is to accept this reality for what it still is and was in my past and especially the people still living it. From my vantage point it is amazing how fast people in conversations after 1 or 2 bears start to victimize themselves and from there on basically the whole night the topic is how injustice life is to grow and feed more of these typ of mechanisms. And people are triggered so fast into subjects where they start defending completely pointless points of view for nothing and start competing about the most nonsense arguments. And this never stops until the next morning and gets stronger and stronger. And what also happens is people giving each other complements and share emotional states that they would never share being sober or on the next day. Also ridiculous promises are made that almost never fulfil themselves. I always see this pattern and it makes me wonder how I was able to be so blind more than half my life. But I must admit, it is also still kind of funny to read this in retrospect.
So you can tell I am in the midst of these shadows and trying to figure out why I still attract and create this reality myself. Why I am still surrounded by it even though I feel no more connection to it. I have the clue that it is my past still connecting and communicating with me waiting to be released. This Carnaval I took a bottle of whisky that I still had, which I didn't remember and I think I bought it 2018 in January in Marechal Floriano, and created a moment in which I put it on the floor. With me sitting in front of the bottle I connected my hands in prayer fashion and started thanking the alcohol for all it has done for me and made me go through. After all it also helped me become less shy and just do really crazy things. So I was deeply appreciating all we have lived together but I also told it it's time to go separate ways. And that felt ok.
Sometimes I can sense already big relieve and another motivation of me making these decisions was that I wanted to know how life felt when I was 14 years. When I have never had a sip of alcohol. I remember a little bit about this time of my life and I realized it seems I was at least the same amount surrounded by wonder and states of bliss than I was with alcohol and most probably even more. Life in this age felt more real, more pure, more presence, I believe to have felt more awareness and for sure I was following way more my heart than after this time. I did a lot more of what brought me joy compared to the times after. I drew more, did things out of passion, was creative, not too ashamed, played basketball with very few expectations of making money with it and of course not earning 1 cent at that time and had great times with friends and family. So I wonder if I can repeat and bring back this state of being and if being off alcohol will help me to get there.
And by the way this last week was amazing. I finally allowed myself to also go on vacation for 5 days. We went to Buzios on Monday with my mother in law and visited if I am not wrong 9 beaches. In the meantime, because during my stay I felt the need to create income again, I finished my first two VLOGs of how this journey to Brazil began and put in more than 10 hours of work to edit and cut the videos (even though I finally wanted to have a true vacation). I have lots of material from Buzios and will also put it online when the time is right.
After 2 nights from now we will take the airplane back to Germany and with the help of Txai Jo-Anderson aka Johannes we were able to book Flixbus tickets to Berlin. Also he already welcomed us to stay with him until we find a place because for now all we have is empty pockets and some bags and not a lot of plans and ideas. But I love life regardless and I am coming back with a lot of heart filled energy and ready to go one more round on a trip through Germany, my "old" other home.
This is I, lit, living the life & wishing you a nice trip
from the heart,